Goodbye, my sweet baby girl

There is a time for everything. "A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Today we weep.

We stayed home all morning to maximize our time with Baby M. The county social worker would pick her up before 2:00. I was running around trying to remember last-minute things to pack.

The boys played outside in the rain while Baby M watched for a bit. I sat down on the floor with her, stared into her huge eyes, and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. It's been a wonderful three and a half months with you, precious girl.

She had seemed extra clingy the past few days and I wondered if she had a feeling that things were about to change. 

My mother-in-law stopped by to give Baby M kisses and hugs. Jeremy also came home for a moment and held her one last time.

I put Baby M down for a nap and quickly printed out a sleep and meal schedule to pass onto her aunt. The social worker came at 1:45 and took the huge drawstring bag that had originally came from Orangewood. Now, it was completely full. The diaper bag and the car seat also went out to her car.

My boys took Baby M out of her crib and played with her for just a few last moments as I changed her diaper.

We walked out to the car together but my tears didn't come until after I had buckled her in, watching my 3 boys say their goodbyes and give her many kisses. Josiah had already started sobbing. 

As we reentered the house, Jadon went straight to his room while Josiah and I sobbed on the couch. I heard wailing from a bedroom and called for Jadon. He didn't come. He was in this:

The boys had been building forts on their bunk bed the past few days.  I would have laughed if I wasn't crying already and if it wasn't the perfect example of how he felt. Crawling into a tight space like a cocoon to curl up and grieve. He came out of his hammock to me and we joined Josiah back on the couch. I told them they are the perfect big brothers for all our foster babies because they know how to care for and love them.  Questions about Baby X and when would we see him again...would we ever see Baby M again? Probably not because we hadn't known her family for that long.  More tears.  Baby X's family was willing to keep in touch. 

Josiah: Why don't we ever get someone our age? 

Me: Well, because we wouldn't be able to homeschool him and it's easier for me to take care of a baby. 

Josiah: I wish we could move into our new house quicker.

Me: We'll be moving in just a couple of weeks. Why?

Josiah: So we can get another baby again.

Oh, my dear sons I love your tender hearts. We hurt because we love. 

Judah had been finishing up his lunch this whole time and didn't know what to think of the rest of us huddled on the couch for 30 minutes talking and weeping. I called him over to pray.

Prayed for God to take care of Baby M, that she would be loved, that she would transition easily to her aunt, that she wouldn't grieve for too long, that she would one day know her Creator and give her life to Jesus.

Yes, with love comes grief. It is inevitable. If we didn't love, grief wouldn't come. She is the Lord's and we entrust her to Him. But right now, our hearts break as we learn to hold loosely all over again. Goodbye, sweet baby girl.

A Mother's Touch

We traveled about half an hour west to a visit with Baby M's birth parents yesterday at a library.  Our prearranged meeting time was 11:00, but due to bus delays and such, they still had not arrived by 11:30.

So after calling back and forth, I decided to meet them where they were and have the visit at a park near that bus stop instead. Both mom (I will call her Karen) and I looked forward to having Baby M's hair properly done. After 3 months, I still haven't gained much expertise in this area. I was ecstatic about a private tutorial! 

My poor baby had such dry hair compared to what it's supposed to be! I watched as Karen skillfully worked the Olive Oil "grease" (that's what she called it) through her daughter's hair. It looks like a translucent green gel. I wanted to capture more of the step-by-step process on camera, but Baby M was so distraught by the hair grooming and being with her parents, who are now strangers to her, that I had to end up holding her in order for her hair to be done. My heart went out to her father, who wanted to continue to hold her, but she kept wailing.

Little ponytails were eventually gathered and tiny braids woven. I hadn't dared to use a comb on Baby M's hair for fear of it tearing out her hair. But Karen used both combs and brushes to get those stubborn knots out. Mental notes were taken...

Just beautiful! Karen didn't finish the little loop on the top because she wanted to spend the last few minutes of her visit with Baby M in her arms. So it was my job to split it into two little braids when we got home. I could handle that! 

The last moments were spent holding their precious baby girl and taking photos with her.  They love her so much. I pray that God will bring Baby M and her parents to Himself one day through their faith in Christ. 

Thankfully, over the past 7 years, the Lord has given us birth parents who have been appreciative rather than angry. It makes things so much easier when they realize that we are here to help them, not take their children away. 

God can redeem their mistakes. He can redeem our mistakes. What a masterful plan it is when we know that we are all broken people in need of a Redeemer's grace and mercy. Two families from two very different worlds working together to bring a child home. Crazy, isn't it? 

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psalm 118:1

Little Hands, Little Feet: Our new daughter

I received the call just before 3:00 in the afternoon last Thursday from our foster agency. A 6-month-old African American baby girl needed to be picked up before 8:00.

Jeremy said, "Why not?" So he picked her up at 7:00.  

A great loss for our little one. Who was taking care of her? What happened? Why did she take to us so easily and why does she sleep so well? Was she moved around or did she have a parent for her first half year of life? She must miss them, yearn for them, but she can't tell us. I shed tears of sadness for her tonight.

Oh, the weight of sin in this world. But she is precious, known and created by our Father in heaven before she was even born. 

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalms 139: 13-14)

She needs a mother, a father, a family. And God has chosen us to receive such calls. We would never have chosen to foster. We are not perfect parents, nor are we without our prejudices. But God chooses to use broken people to complete His purposes.

So for now, I will clip her tiny fingernails and toenails. I will attempt to braid and care for her hair. We will grow to love her as our own...until God determines the best time for her to go...and we will weep for our loss, which will be yet another loss for her.

We've had such wonderful support from my MOMS Club, our church, neighbors, family and friends. Thanks for all your prayers, well-wishes, baby clothes, meals, help in our home, and even a stroller. 

Social Media's Ugly Side

If your child has his own cell phone, you might want to consider placing some mobile safeguards on it.  We attended an eye-opening workshop yesterday for our foster care continuing hours.

The first part of the workshop consisted of discussing social media sites, identifying those that allow for anonymous user names.  I will include those sites as well as the mobile safeguards.  Now that kids have their own cell phones, the world is at their fingertips.  Predators and inappropriate sites/apps abound.  Know your kids' passwords! They are NOT responsible enough to have complete privacy.

Take your child's phone from them at bedtime.  Return it in the morning.

The second part of the workshop presented issues with video games.  Educational ones are great.  PC online games, consoles, and mobile gaming can be extremely disturbing.  Because many people have their own cell phones or tablets these days, mobile gaming is on the rise.  In fact, the number of women over 50 has surpassed the number of teenage boys who play mobile games! (Of course they don't play the SAME games as teenage boys.)

Tips for connecting online

Social Media Sites to Watch For
Instagram 
Twitter
Pinterest
Vine
Reddit
Tumblr
Snapchat
WhatsApp
Boxer
Tango
Chatroulette
MeetMe

Social Media Sites that allow anonymous user names
Kik
4chan
Ask.fm
Whisper App

Mobile Safeguards for your child's phone

MamaBear (Android, iOS) - FREE
All-in-one mobile parental controll app that allows you to locate a child through a smartphone, keep tabs on social media activity, and find out when your kid has been driving over the speed limit.  Location tracking can tell you where your child is, as well as provide arrival and departure alerts from locations such as school or home.  The social media monitor can be set to notify you when your child adds new contacts, uses restricted words or uploads photos or tags.

Norton Family (Android, iOS) - FREE trial
A parental controls app that allows parents to moinitor their children's online activity.  The app monitors internet use, allowing parents to see which websites kids are attempting to visit.  The app also automatically blocks access to inappropriate sites (with optional email notifications to parents). A premium paid tier unlocks more features.

Kids Place (Android) - FREE
Sometimes, you just want to lend your device to your younger children without putting your apps, data, and settings at risk.  Kids Place is a custom app launcher that creates a customized sandbox environment for your kids to play in, filled with the apps of your choice. In addition to allowing you to filter accessible apps, Kids Place also prevents installations of new apps and blocks both in-app purchases and Google Play access. A timer feature lets you limit use, with the app locking after a set time. Multiple profile support lets parents create custom environments for different users. Exiting Kids Place (as well as changing settings) is blocked with a PIN.

McGruff Safeguard (iOS) - FREE

mSpy Parental Control (iOS) - $49 and up
Blocks calls, tracks call history, track GPS location, record surroundings, read SMS and instant messages, blocks websites and apps, get access to photos & videos

My Mobile Watchguard (Andriod, iOS) - $4.95/month
Offers users with a series of powerful parental controls that allow mom and dad to see phone call logs, read text messages on their childrens' phones, set web blocking and time blocking, remotely block and grant access to apps, as well as find out where your child is through GPS. No stealth mode, so your kid is aware that they are being watched.

Net Nanny (Android) - $19.99/year
A simple control app for your child's Android device, letting you be as conservative or liberal with your content blocking as you like.

McAfee Family Protection - $19.99/year
Choose from four age profiles that each block websites in up to 35 categories.

eBlaster Mobile - $69.95
This stealthily monitors everything your child does on his device.  From a remote Web administrative console you can see who your child texts or calls, and you can see his browsing history, too. Parents can also define a "virtual fence" and if your child steps out of these boundaries, you'll receive an alert.

WebWatcher  (Android, iOS) - $99.95

iKeyMonitor (iOS, Android) - FREE trial
iKeyMonitor Spy App is featured as 100% undetectable iPhone Spy App and Android phone Spy App. It is an Key Logger for iPhone/iPad/iPod/Android that logs SMS, keystrokes, passwords, websites, screenshots and delivers logs to you by email or FTP.

AVG Family Safety (iOS) - FREE

And just like that he's not my son anymore...

The handoff was uneventful yesterday (Friday) morning around 10:00.  We drove to the library like we had many times before for visitations with Baby X's aunt.  This time, a quiet, solemn air encompassed the space inside the van.  The only one who didn't feel it was Baby X.  He had no idea what was going on.

We waited at the fountains with the dolphin statue until his aunt texted to let me know she had arrived.  That's when the tears began.  She greeted me as usual with a cheek kiss and off we went to the cars to unload most of Baby X's belongings.  We still didn't know if it would be merely a weekend visit with a gradual transition or an immediate placement.  She told me in her broken English to not be sad, that I am her friend and that we could visit him any time.  Do you know how grateful I felt to hear those words?  Praise God for her kindness and willingness to keep in touch!  In the past 6 years, we've only been able to keep in touch with one foster child's family.

Later that evening after Zumba, I saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail.  Dancing and exercising had lifted my spirits, but when I listened to my social worker's voice message as I sat in the car, my heart dropped and a lump appeared in my throat once again.  The judge had decided that it would be considered a placement and that I would not need to pick him up again.

In order to have closure, my sweet neighbor Roscio helped me speak to Baby X's aunt this morning in Spanish.  We will be having a quick open house tomorrow night (Sunday) to say goodbye.  His new family will be bringing him over.  If you are reading this and would like to join us, please let me know and I will get you the details.

Our family will need to heal a bit before welcoming another little one into our home.  Maybe we'll provide respite for a couple of months.  The boys were sobbing in bed on Wednesday night as the news sank in.  I had sat down on the floor in front of their bookshelf looking for books to pack up and give to Baby X and heard Josiah sniffling on his top bunk.  I asked him why he was sniffling and he murmured, "I don't know."  A few moments later, he confessed that he thinks he's sniffling because he's sad that Baby X has to leave.  I started to pray with them and then heard sobs coming from Jadon in the bottom bunk.  Their tender hearts are so broken.

Baby X will always be my son of my heart.  We have other heart daughters and sons out there who we may never see again this side of heaven.  I pray that they will know Jesus one day, repent, realize that He is the only giver of true life, and live for Him with joy all of their days.

Official news: our Baby X will be leaving...

But we don't know when exactly.  Our social worker called this afternoon to inform us that his aunt has been approved to take him.  Tentatively, he will spend the weekend with her.  There is a court hearing this Friday morning, after which we should receive a clearer picture of what will happen - if he will transition immediately or gradually.  And there is the slight chance that he might stay longer.

So how do I feel?  SO, SO SAD.  Ok the floodgates have opened and the tears are freely flowing out now.  Yet I am happy he is going to be with his family - his tia, tio, prima, and primo.

"The Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

God gives us our foster children to love for an indefinite amount of time.  Days, weeks, even years.  During that time, He keeps changing our hearts to say yes in all sorts of situations.

Yes to foster care instead of adopting from China.
Yes to a teenager instead of a baby or toddler.
Yes to cross-cultural adoption instead of just fostering.

Each time we don't know where it will lead, but God allowed us to experience depths of His love that we never would have known had we not loved and parented these precious children.  We've grown so much, made a gazillion mistakes, and will make a gazillion more mistakes in the future.

Baby X came to us a week out of the hospital and now he is 19 months old.  Seeing all those baby and toddler milestones really imprints this little life even more into our hearts.  He knows a few signs - more, all done, and please.  It's so much fun because he is really wanting to communicate these days.

It's a good time for Baby X to transition since his language skills are still lacking.  He'll learn a new language - Spanish - and will hopefully become fluent.

More later...

Fear

Woo hoo!  I am resurrecting my blog tonight.  The last you heard, I was completely heartbroken at the end of 2012.

Little did we know, about a month after our teenage foster daughter left, a precious little baby boy was born 3 months premature in Los Angeles.  As I sobbed daily in grief, feeling the emptiness of our daughter being gone, God was preparing a tiny new life to join us in April of 2013.  I felt like an utter failure as a parent, but God would soon build me up again.

I met him on Friday, April 5th at another foster home for an initial meeting.  Baby X had been there for a week, straight from the hospital.  The couple was unable to care for him any longer, so Olive Crest called us to see if we would take him in for about a month or two.  On Monday, April 8th, I drove over to the house, collected his few belongings, buckled him into the car seat and brought him home.

Fear kept us from considering adoption for Baby X.  The original goal was reunification and we didn't have to face that option...at first.  Then January rolled around with a court hearing after 9 months of loving him as our own, seeing all of his little milestones.  God changed our hearts through many of your prayers and we officially became fost-adopt parents for Baby X.

Fear of potential teenage identity crisis (he is Mexican and we are Chinese), fear of our extended family members not accepting him as part of our family, and fear that he would one day resent us for adopting him kept us far, far away from the idea of cross-cultural adoption.  Now, we embrace it.  God extended His grace to call Gentiles as His own through Christ.  How can we not do the same?  His perfect love casts out fear.

BUT it's just not that easy.  He is still on track for reunification with his extended family members.  Even though we said yes, it's still a maybe.  Our social worker came to visit a couple of days ago and tears welled up in my eyes for the first time, thinking that Baby X might leave us one day soon.  So for now, we continue to love him deeply, yet hold him loosely.  Here is Baby X with his tia and prima.  They love him, too.