I have a new blog home!

Hello to all my faithful followers and subscribers!

I have moved to my new home: lovingdeeplyholdingloosely.com and will be blogging more consistently.

Please subscribe to me at my new website. Looking forward to sharing more with you all!

Thanks so much for supporting me in my new blogging endeavor.

Love,
Mama Michelle

Our Precious Baby R

Three and a half months flew by and I didn't even introduce to you all our new Baby Girl back in November. We loved her immediately...how could we not?

I received a text around 10:30 on November 14th, a Monday morning, while my boys and I were at Classical Conversations, one of our homeschool programs, but didn't see it until lunchtime.  I quickly let my husband know that our foster agency was looking for an emergency placement for a newborn and he texted back that he was on board. I texted our placement worker, telling her that we were a go and by 3:30, we were at the hospital picking up a newborn from the NICU.  After meeting with the social workers, filling out paperwork, and discharging from the NICU, a nurse wheeled me out of the hospital in a wheelchair holding our new beautiful baby girl.

"For you formed my inward parts, 

You wove me in my mother's womb.

I will give thanks to You;

For I was fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works, 

And my soul knows it very well." 

Psalm 139:13-14

Instantly, friends supported us with prayer, meals for weeks, babysitting, visiting us, diapers, formula, and clothes.  Oh how we LOVE our community!  Thank you, my dear friends, for loving us and for loving our babies.  It means the world to us that you extend yourselves in this way, accepting our sweet little ones as one of our own.

We watched God's tiny gift to us slowly grow over the last three months, gradually feeding her more milk every couple of weeks. My boys argued over who would hold her, feed her, change her, and play with her.  They designated days on which it was one brother's turn to hold her for the entire day, of course breaking their own rules and arguing that it was "MY day to hold her." They couldn't resist her smiles and snuggles.

She learned how to suck her fingers, then finally settling on her thumb. She started to smile... coo... laugh. She slept for HOURS...just perfect.  Jadon and I would banter back and forth, claiming that she was, "MY baby girl." "No, she's MY baby girl."  We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year, a Legoland trip, a snow trip, and even Chinese New Year as a family of six with Baby R. Oh, how we loved her. We prayed for God to call her to Himself, for her to know that Jesus is her Lord and Savior.

On Thursday, everything came to an abrupt halt. The county social worker let us know that a relative had finally been cleared to take Baby R. I told the boys in our Sienna as we drove to In-N-Out for a visit with the birth parents. She would leave the next day. I would no longer struggle to communicate with her birth mom (since she only speaks Spanish) and there would be no more stress of scheduling and fitting in 10 hours of visits a week. It was set. The transfer would occur on Friday at 12:30 at our county's children's home. We cherished all the moments we had left with her and tearfully gave her to her aunt and her new family. They would love her, too. While they rejoice, we grieve.

A little sweetness at Krispy Kreme softened the blow of our loss across the street from the children's home where we said goodbye to Baby R. Later on that evening, we picked up my husband from his office and had some time to wind down and enjoy each other at Knott's Berry Farm. We loved watching the boys excitedly run from ride to ride in the uncrowded amusement park. A sweet time of fun, a silver lining despite the gloomy cloud that will settle over us for a while.  This is what God has called our family to do.  To love deeply...hold loosely...and to let go.

"Blessed is the name of the Lord

From this time forth and forever.

From the rising of the sun to its setting

The name of the Lord is to be praised."

Psalm 113:2-3

Learning to love

It was the perfect plan. Baby J came in July for respite foster care and left 3 weeks later in August. We couldn't start a long-term placement in the summer because of travel plans so God very temporarily brought us a 6-month-old baby boy.

My boys ached for another baby in the house. They would help me take care of the baby while I studied for my life insurance exam. I also registered the boys for VBS and music camps the first week of August, hoping to have the perfect opportunity to study while Baby J would take long naps.

But he didn't nap. He screamed and screamed and screamed. Why oh why? Why wouldn't he stay asleep longer than 30 minutes or so? WHY was he ruining MY plan?

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, declares the Lord" Isaiah 55:8

Because my plan wasn't God's plan. While I was throwing my adult tantrum by complaining to friends, God gently and abundantly blessed me anyway. 

Don't worry, Michelle. I will take care of you. Tend to your children and baby and I will still give you enough time to study for your state exam.

Thus He rebuked me...not with harsh discipline, but with His gentle lovingkindness. My first job is to be a mother. So let me tell you what He did. 

He sent me Audrey, Josie, Jenni, Stephanie, Tiffany, and Mom Yang to take care of my baby and my boys. He sent me Vanessa to drop off a surprise vase of flowers and a card of encouragement on my doorstep. 

He provided numerous more loved ones to encourage and lift me up in prayer for the screaming baby, time to study and retaining this foreign subject of insurance, and to pass the exam.

And He gave me my precious husband and boys, who did their best to let me study. (It was quite difficult for all of them to stop telling me things and asking questions. I always chuckled when they would stop mid-sentence and remember to let me have a quiet setting.)

God humbled me. So I let go of my plan. Baby J never took a long nap during his short stay with us, but he was ok playing quietly by himself in the pack n play nearby. He stopped his nonstop screaming. The boys still had their needs so I set aside my frustration, turned to them, listened, talked, disciplined, hugged, prayed, loved them. By God's grace I passed the insurance exam.

I learned to trust that God treasures my obedience. I learned to love a screaming baby who didn't sleep well. I learned to die to myself and tend to my family lovingly without frustration...although this is still a daily battle when it's summer and the brothers are fighting everyday.

Oh.my.goodness. Just now as I am blogging the end of my post, sitting in Josie's Corner cafe enjoying some alone time while visiting *Downtown Fargo, a beautiful young woman gave this to me with a smile. Thank you Jesus. I will put my trust in You indeed. I know You work everything out in Your perfect timing. Thank You for your realness in teaching me to love.

*I am in Fargo traveling with my beloved Josie because she is teaching a fitness workshop. My wonderful hubby graciously allowed me to have some time off to enjoy some rest. 

Sweet Cases for Foster Children

Scared and frightened, a child clings to a piece of furniture in his abusive home.  A kind police officer gently instructs him to help put his belongings in a black trash bag.  The child is about to leave the only home he has ever known and he has nobody he knows to comfort him.  But imagine a bright blue bag waiting for him with a teddy bear, a blanket, crayons and a coloring book.  A sweet teddy bear can be his non-threatening comfort and companion.

Together We Rise intrigued me from the first time I heard about it about half a year ago and God laid it on my heart the to organize this fundraiser someday.  So this month when a bout of strep struck my body and I was stuck in bed for a couple of days, I decided what better time than the present? Especially since May is National Foster Care Awareness Month. 

After praying for the Lord's guidance, emailing togetherwerise.org, and setting up a 15-day online fundraising campaign via Facebook and e-mail, everything was set.  With the funds, the organization would provide duffle bags, hygiene kits, blankets, teddy bears, crayons, and coloring books. I would need to organize a Sweet Case Build with volunteers decorating and stuffing the bags. All the donors and anyone who wanted to volunteer were invited. Each stuffed bag would be given to a child entering foster care through an organization of my choice so I chose our foster agency. My hubby agreed to host the party at our house over Memorial Day Weekend. 

Since the Together We Rise office is local to me, I picked up the duffle bags on Friday without a shipping fee. Yay! Praise God we raised enough for 58 bags! We also received many items like dental kits, books and little toys to add to the bags. 

On Saturday, friends from different circles warmed and filled our home with their time, love, talent, food, and fellowship. We are so thankful for all of the generous donors and volunteers! 

After decorating the bags and enjoying a delicious potluck dinner, we were blessed by my fellow foster mommy Monica sharing about her foster adoption journey over the past 8 years. They have grown to be a loving family of 7! We also watched a video of her teenage daughter describing what it was like in her birth home, being taken into foster care, and finding her forever family. What a sweet and encouraging time for all who listened!

Praise God for a successful event! May the children who receive these bags know Him as their Father, Lord, and Savior. If you have a heart for children in foster care, you can also host your own Sweet Case Build in your community. I'm sharing this to show how easy it is to organize!  :)  Contact www.togetherwerise.org for more info.

Next step...deliver all these bags to Olive Crest! ;)

Goodbye, my precious Baby A

I knew the court hearing was scheduled yesterday, but didn't think much of it since most court hearings don't amount to anything. Our day went on like any normal day. Homeschooling, 5th grade state testing at school, one sick son, and lunch. Jeremy made a quick stop home to bring boba drinks to surprise us. Love my hubby.

We also noticed a first tooth coming out!

Made a trip to the library after lunch with the 3 boys and Baby A. Then blissful nap time came along. 

A couple hours later, I heard Baby A talking to herself upstairs, went to take her out of her crib and changed her diaper. We played in her room for a while before going downstairs before dinner. I noticed my phone had a missed call at 5:15 and a new voicemail originating from Los Angeles. Hmmm...another request for information relating to foster care?

Nope, it was a message from our county social worker saying that the judge ordered Baby A to move in with her great-aunt immediately.  I would wait to call her tomorrow, I thought. Or at least late tonight. I would not let the tears fall yet. Dinner first.

This would be the last time walking up the stairs with her and smiling into the huge mirror placed between the landings. The last bath...so I cherished it...trying to memorize her smile, her movements, her soft baby skin. 

But then her great-aunt called. The tears overwhelmed me for a few seconds before I told her I would call her back after the bath. I put Baby A down for bedtime at 7:00, took out all her belongings and piled them in the hallway, got ready to go to Zumba class, then left the house. Great-aunt texted me before I got to class asking to pick her up that night. 

Well, I was already at Zumba so I danced for the next hour, tears escaping before and after class. Grabbed a sweet hug from Josie (my instructor and dear friend) and invited her to come pack with me. 

Rushed home and found that my oldest son had moved all this to the front door.

Josie, my hubby, and I worked together to collect everything, inventory clothes for the foster agency, and pack. Baby A heard us after a while, woke up, and started talking so Baba went to go get her. We played with her, held her, prayed for her, took more pictures...woke the boys to say goodbye and they went back to bed.

Great-aunt was supposed to arrive at 10:00, but didn't arrive until 10:30. Josie left and 15 minutes later we heard the expected knock. I invited Great-aunt in with a smile. We hugged a long, understanding hug and she insisted this wouldn't be the last goodbye. She said she would have Baby A dedicated at church and wants us to be her godparents!!! Well a new wave of tears came gushing out. She even prayed for us before leaving. Oh my goodness God is so good and faithful. 

Jer loaded up the car while I remembered to find the percentile growth charts and the medical cards to give to her. Bye, my baby love. We will miss you. May you know the saving grace of Jesus and live for Him all your days. 

A Mother's Prayer song for my Baby A

"Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Please don't refer to me as Michelle...

Please don't refer to me as Michelle... I'm her Mama.

Our county social worker swung by this morning for her brief, monthly visit. She has to hold her, play with her, check for any developmental milestones/delays, and see if the baby has a diaper rash. She also tells me about any court updates regarding our baby's case.

Well it seems like Baby A's stay is nearing the end...with maybe a month left. So now I hold her a little tighter, a little longer, blinking back tears that threaten to overflow. The social worker, in a motherese sing-song voice, cooed to Baby A:

"You're going to miss Michelle, huh? She loves you."

Inside my head, I was protesting: No, I am not Michelle...I'm Mama! 

We've never met her birth mom and she has never known another 24/7 caregiver. She's been my daughter for almost 6 months now. I'm the one who calms her, feeds her, deals with her tantrums, plays with her, LOVES HER!  (Yes, raw unfettered, selfish emotions here.) How can you refer to me as just Michelle? I'm her Mama.

And this is just what the Lord has called us to do. To care for orphans in their distress. To love them as our own. For we were once orphans until God called us His own through Christ Jesus.

But in this broken world, there is foster care, temporary placements of children waiting to be reunified with their birth families. My heart breaks for them so we love them as our own. And at the end of their stay, our hearts break even more. 

We know this going in. We know they will leave one day...but it never gets easier. Parents and children are meant to attach. God made us that way. And it hurts immensely when they leave. He then bandages our hearts and eventually sends us another sweet baby. 

"Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross." Philippians 2:5-8

DISCLAIMER: Birth moms do love their children who get taken away into foster care.  Sometimes the most loving thing for them to do is to let someone else take care of their children.

Our new daughter Baby A

Oh yes, sleepless nights once again...but it is so worth it! The text from our agency came on Monday, just 3 days after our new house passed inspection. God brought another precious baby girl into our hearts and home last Thursday...Baby A...only a month old.

I picked her up from a beautiful temporary group home about 45 minutes away from our house. Her 30 days were almost up and if a foster family didn't take her, she would be transferred to another group home. How could we say no?

The boys fawned over Baby A and fought over who would hold her, feed her, and play with her. They absolutely love her and their help allows us to continue fostering. :) After a stinky diaper blowout today, I went to hand wash the stained pajamas while my eldest (10-years-old) joyfully brought her upstairs to clothe her in clean pajamas. Praise God for my helpful sons!

We pray for the Lord to work in the relationship we will develop with the birth family as we establish regular visits. Baby A might only stay for a couple of months before moving in with a family member. For now, she is ours through the holidays. 

We are ready...almost!

"Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your toil is not in vain in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 15:58 (NASB)

And toil we did this last week, scrambling to make everything foster "safe" in the house according to regulations.  Although it is heart-wrenching to see our babies go and frustrating to deal with difficult birth family members and ridiculous foster rules, we know that God has called us to this family ministry of caring for "orphans". 

We miss our babies! The boys keep asking when we will get another baby. Well...possibly as soon as next week if we provide respite for a fellow foster family. :) After saying no to a few calls over the summer due to our move to a new house and having nothing in place, we are finally ready to share the love of Christ again with children in foster care and their families.

Taking a break from fostering gave us time to move and also provided necessary rest from living the ins and outs of throwing two polar opposite families together and the extra time needed for birth family visits.  We also fell out of compliance with certification...

Having a deadline really puts things into motion. A case manager from our foster agency called me a few weeks ago and scheduled a home inspection walk-through for TODAY. 

This is what was still happening when she rang the doorbell and even after she left. Gotta finish lock up our cleaning agents, knives, and medicine!

Amazon indicated that our new cabinet and drawer locks would be delivered two days ago, but they were delayed and appeared on our doorstep WHILE our inspection was happening. I found some locks at Babies R Us this morning and Jeremy hurried to install them.

Along with a ton of paperwork, here are some other required home safety measures we had to complete in order to get re-certified as a foster family. 

Fireplace screen (thanks Ryan and Steph!)

Smoke/carbon monoxide detectors outside all bedrooms 

Home and vehicle inspection checklists

Pool fence 

Fire extinguishers upstairs and downstairs

Emergency rope ladder for the second floor

But alas, we didn't realize we needed to secure all windows in rooms that provide direct access to the pool so that they cannot open more than 4 inches. :( So a dowel or latch of some kind will suffice. Easy fix. Praise God everything else is done and approved!

So now we wait for that next phone call or text...all in the Lord's perfect timing.  We are excited to meet our new child. :)  Soli Deo Gloria

Goodbye, my sweet baby girl

There is a time for everything. "A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Ecclesiastes 3:4) Today we weep.

We stayed home all morning to maximize our time with Baby M. The county social worker would pick her up before 2:00. I was running around trying to remember last-minute things to pack.

The boys played outside in the rain while Baby M watched for a bit. I sat down on the floor with her, stared into her huge eyes, and gave her lots of hugs and kisses. It's been a wonderful three and a half months with you, precious girl.

She had seemed extra clingy the past few days and I wondered if she had a feeling that things were about to change. 

My mother-in-law stopped by to give Baby M kisses and hugs. Jeremy also came home for a moment and held her one last time.

I put Baby M down for a nap and quickly printed out a sleep and meal schedule to pass onto her aunt. The social worker came at 1:45 and took the huge drawstring bag that had originally came from Orangewood. Now, it was completely full. The diaper bag and the car seat also went out to her car.

My boys took Baby M out of her crib and played with her for just a few last moments as I changed her diaper.

We walked out to the car together but my tears didn't come until after I had buckled her in, watching my 3 boys say their goodbyes and give her many kisses. Josiah had already started sobbing. 

As we reentered the house, Jadon went straight to his room while Josiah and I sobbed on the couch. I heard wailing from a bedroom and called for Jadon. He didn't come. He was in this:

The boys had been building forts on their bunk bed the past few days.  I would have laughed if I wasn't crying already and if it wasn't the perfect example of how he felt. Crawling into a tight space like a cocoon to curl up and grieve. He came out of his hammock to me and we joined Josiah back on the couch. I told them they are the perfect big brothers for all our foster babies because they know how to care for and love them.  Questions about Baby X and when would we see him again...would we ever see Baby M again? Probably not because we hadn't known her family for that long.  More tears.  Baby X's family was willing to keep in touch. 

Josiah: Why don't we ever get someone our age? 

Me: Well, because we wouldn't be able to homeschool him and it's easier for me to take care of a baby. 

Josiah: I wish we could move into our new house quicker.

Me: We'll be moving in just a couple of weeks. Why?

Josiah: So we can get another baby again.

Oh, my dear sons I love your tender hearts. We hurt because we love. 

Judah had been finishing up his lunch this whole time and didn't know what to think of the rest of us huddled on the couch for 30 minutes talking and weeping. I called him over to pray.

Prayed for God to take care of Baby M, that she would be loved, that she would transition easily to her aunt, that she wouldn't grieve for too long, that she would one day know her Creator and give her life to Jesus.

Yes, with love comes grief. It is inevitable. If we didn't love, grief wouldn't come. She is the Lord's and we entrust her to Him. But right now, our hearts break as we learn to hold loosely all over again. Goodbye, sweet baby girl.

A Mother's Touch

We traveled about half an hour west to a visit with Baby M's birth parents yesterday at a library.  Our prearranged meeting time was 11:00, but due to bus delays and such, they still had not arrived by 11:30.

So after calling back and forth, I decided to meet them where they were and have the visit at a park near that bus stop instead. Both mom (I will call her Karen) and I looked forward to having Baby M's hair properly done. After 3 months, I still haven't gained much expertise in this area. I was ecstatic about a private tutorial! 

My poor baby had such dry hair compared to what it's supposed to be! I watched as Karen skillfully worked the Olive Oil "grease" (that's what she called it) through her daughter's hair. It looks like a translucent green gel. I wanted to capture more of the step-by-step process on camera, but Baby M was so distraught by the hair grooming and being with her parents, who are now strangers to her, that I had to end up holding her in order for her hair to be done. My heart went out to her father, who wanted to continue to hold her, but she kept wailing.

Little ponytails were eventually gathered and tiny braids woven. I hadn't dared to use a comb on Baby M's hair for fear of it tearing out her hair. But Karen used both combs and brushes to get those stubborn knots out. Mental notes were taken...

Just beautiful! Karen didn't finish the little loop on the top because she wanted to spend the last few minutes of her visit with Baby M in her arms. So it was my job to split it into two little braids when we got home. I could handle that! 

The last moments were spent holding their precious baby girl and taking photos with her.  They love her so much. I pray that God will bring Baby M and her parents to Himself one day through their faith in Christ. 

Thankfully, over the past 7 years, the Lord has given us birth parents who have been appreciative rather than angry. It makes things so much easier when they realize that we are here to help them, not take their children away. 

God can redeem their mistakes. He can redeem our mistakes. What a masterful plan it is when we know that we are all broken people in need of a Redeemer's grace and mercy. Two families from two very different worlds working together to bring a child home. Crazy, isn't it? 

"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting." Psalm 118:1

Little Hands, Little Feet: Our new daughter

I received the call just before 3:00 in the afternoon last Thursday from our foster agency. A 6-month-old African American baby girl needed to be picked up before 8:00.

Jeremy said, "Why not?" So he picked her up at 7:00.  

A great loss for our little one. Who was taking care of her? What happened? Why did she take to us so easily and why does she sleep so well? Was she moved around or did she have a parent for her first half year of life? She must miss them, yearn for them, but she can't tell us. I shed tears of sadness for her tonight.

Oh, the weight of sin in this world. But she is precious, known and created by our Father in heaven before she was even born. 

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." (Psalms 139: 13-14)

She needs a mother, a father, a family. And God has chosen us to receive such calls. We would never have chosen to foster. We are not perfect parents, nor are we without our prejudices. But God chooses to use broken people to complete His purposes.

So for now, I will clip her tiny fingernails and toenails. I will attempt to braid and care for her hair. We will grow to love her as our own...until God determines the best time for her to go...and we will weep for our loss, which will be yet another loss for her.

We've had such wonderful support from my MOMS Club, our church, neighbors, family and friends. Thanks for all your prayers, well-wishes, baby clothes, meals, help in our home, and even a stroller. 

Social Media's Ugly Side

If your child has his own cell phone, you might want to consider placing some mobile safeguards on it.  We attended an eye-opening workshop yesterday for our foster care continuing hours.

The first part of the workshop consisted of discussing social media sites, identifying those that allow for anonymous user names.  I will include those sites as well as the mobile safeguards.  Now that kids have their own cell phones, the world is at their fingertips.  Predators and inappropriate sites/apps abound.  Know your kids' passwords! They are NOT responsible enough to have complete privacy.

Take your child's phone from them at bedtime.  Return it in the morning.

The second part of the workshop presented issues with video games.  Educational ones are great.  PC online games, consoles, and mobile gaming can be extremely disturbing.  Because many people have their own cell phones or tablets these days, mobile gaming is on the rise.  In fact, the number of women over 50 has surpassed the number of teenage boys who play mobile games! (Of course they don't play the SAME games as teenage boys.)

Tips for connecting online

Social Media Sites to Watch For
Instagram 
Twitter
Pinterest
Vine
Reddit
Tumblr
Snapchat
WhatsApp
Boxer
Tango
Chatroulette
MeetMe

Social Media Sites that allow anonymous user names
Kik
4chan
Ask.fm
Whisper App

Mobile Safeguards for your child's phone

MamaBear (Android, iOS) - FREE
All-in-one mobile parental controll app that allows you to locate a child through a smartphone, keep tabs on social media activity, and find out when your kid has been driving over the speed limit.  Location tracking can tell you where your child is, as well as provide arrival and departure alerts from locations such as school or home.  The social media monitor can be set to notify you when your child adds new contacts, uses restricted words or uploads photos or tags.

Norton Family (Android, iOS) - FREE trial
A parental controls app that allows parents to moinitor their children's online activity.  The app monitors internet use, allowing parents to see which websites kids are attempting to visit.  The app also automatically blocks access to inappropriate sites (with optional email notifications to parents). A premium paid tier unlocks more features.

Kids Place (Android) - FREE
Sometimes, you just want to lend your device to your younger children without putting your apps, data, and settings at risk.  Kids Place is a custom app launcher that creates a customized sandbox environment for your kids to play in, filled with the apps of your choice. In addition to allowing you to filter accessible apps, Kids Place also prevents installations of new apps and blocks both in-app purchases and Google Play access. A timer feature lets you limit use, with the app locking after a set time. Multiple profile support lets parents create custom environments for different users. Exiting Kids Place (as well as changing settings) is blocked with a PIN.

McGruff Safeguard (iOS) - FREE

mSpy Parental Control (iOS) - $49 and up
Blocks calls, tracks call history, track GPS location, record surroundings, read SMS and instant messages, blocks websites and apps, get access to photos & videos

My Mobile Watchguard (Andriod, iOS) - $4.95/month
Offers users with a series of powerful parental controls that allow mom and dad to see phone call logs, read text messages on their childrens' phones, set web blocking and time blocking, remotely block and grant access to apps, as well as find out where your child is through GPS. No stealth mode, so your kid is aware that they are being watched.

Net Nanny (Android) - $19.99/year
A simple control app for your child's Android device, letting you be as conservative or liberal with your content blocking as you like.

McAfee Family Protection - $19.99/year
Choose from four age profiles that each block websites in up to 35 categories.

eBlaster Mobile - $69.95
This stealthily monitors everything your child does on his device.  From a remote Web administrative console you can see who your child texts or calls, and you can see his browsing history, too. Parents can also define a "virtual fence" and if your child steps out of these boundaries, you'll receive an alert.

WebWatcher  (Android, iOS) - $99.95

iKeyMonitor (iOS, Android) - FREE trial
iKeyMonitor Spy App is featured as 100% undetectable iPhone Spy App and Android phone Spy App. It is an Key Logger for iPhone/iPad/iPod/Android that logs SMS, keystrokes, passwords, websites, screenshots and delivers logs to you by email or FTP.

AVG Family Safety (iOS) - FREE

And just like that he's not my son anymore...

The handoff was uneventful yesterday (Friday) morning around 10:00.  We drove to the library like we had many times before for visitations with Baby X's aunt.  This time, a quiet, solemn air encompassed the space inside the van.  The only one who didn't feel it was Baby X.  He had no idea what was going on.

We waited at the fountains with the dolphin statue until his aunt texted to let me know she had arrived.  That's when the tears began.  She greeted me as usual with a cheek kiss and off we went to the cars to unload most of Baby X's belongings.  We still didn't know if it would be merely a weekend visit with a gradual transition or an immediate placement.  She told me in her broken English to not be sad, that I am her friend and that we could visit him any time.  Do you know how grateful I felt to hear those words?  Praise God for her kindness and willingness to keep in touch!  In the past 6 years, we've only been able to keep in touch with one foster child's family.

Later that evening after Zumba, I saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail.  Dancing and exercising had lifted my spirits, but when I listened to my social worker's voice message as I sat in the car, my heart dropped and a lump appeared in my throat once again.  The judge had decided that it would be considered a placement and that I would not need to pick him up again.

In order to have closure, my sweet neighbor Roscio helped me speak to Baby X's aunt this morning in Spanish.  We will be having a quick open house tomorrow night (Sunday) to say goodbye.  His new family will be bringing him over.  If you are reading this and would like to join us, please let me know and I will get you the details.

Our family will need to heal a bit before welcoming another little one into our home.  Maybe we'll provide respite for a couple of months.  The boys were sobbing in bed on Wednesday night as the news sank in.  I had sat down on the floor in front of their bookshelf looking for books to pack up and give to Baby X and heard Josiah sniffling on his top bunk.  I asked him why he was sniffling and he murmured, "I don't know."  A few moments later, he confessed that he thinks he's sniffling because he's sad that Baby X has to leave.  I started to pray with them and then heard sobs coming from Jadon in the bottom bunk.  Their tender hearts are so broken.

Baby X will always be my son of my heart.  We have other heart daughters and sons out there who we may never see again this side of heaven.  I pray that they will know Jesus one day, repent, realize that He is the only giver of true life, and live for Him with joy all of their days.

Official news: our Baby X will be leaving...

But we don't know when exactly.  Our social worker called this afternoon to inform us that his aunt has been approved to take him.  Tentatively, he will spend the weekend with her.  There is a court hearing this Friday morning, after which we should receive a clearer picture of what will happen - if he will transition immediately or gradually.  And there is the slight chance that he might stay longer.

So how do I feel?  SO, SO SAD.  Ok the floodgates have opened and the tears are freely flowing out now.  Yet I am happy he is going to be with his family - his tia, tio, prima, and primo.

"The Lord gives and takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:21

God gives us our foster children to love for an indefinite amount of time.  Days, weeks, even years.  During that time, He keeps changing our hearts to say yes in all sorts of situations.

Yes to foster care instead of adopting from China.
Yes to a teenager instead of a baby or toddler.
Yes to cross-cultural adoption instead of just fostering.

Each time we don't know where it will lead, but God allowed us to experience depths of His love that we never would have known had we not loved and parented these precious children.  We've grown so much, made a gazillion mistakes, and will make a gazillion more mistakes in the future.

Baby X came to us a week out of the hospital and now he is 19 months old.  Seeing all those baby and toddler milestones really imprints this little life even more into our hearts.  He knows a few signs - more, all done, and please.  It's so much fun because he is really wanting to communicate these days.

It's a good time for Baby X to transition since his language skills are still lacking.  He'll learn a new language - Spanish - and will hopefully become fluent.

More later...

Fear

Woo hoo!  I am resurrecting my blog tonight.  The last you heard, I was completely heartbroken at the end of 2012.

Little did we know, about a month after our teenage foster daughter left, a precious little baby boy was born 3 months premature in Los Angeles.  As I sobbed daily in grief, feeling the emptiness of our daughter being gone, God was preparing a tiny new life to join us in April of 2013.  I felt like an utter failure as a parent, but God would soon build me up again.

I met him on Friday, April 5th at another foster home for an initial meeting.  Baby X had been there for a week, straight from the hospital.  The couple was unable to care for him any longer, so Olive Crest called us to see if we would take him in for about a month or two.  On Monday, April 8th, I drove over to the house, collected his few belongings, buckled him into the car seat and brought him home.

Fear kept us from considering adoption for Baby X.  The original goal was reunification and we didn't have to face that option...at first.  Then January rolled around with a court hearing after 9 months of loving him as our own, seeing all of his little milestones.  God changed our hearts through many of your prayers and we officially became fost-adopt parents for Baby X.

Fear of potential teenage identity crisis (he is Mexican and we are Chinese), fear of our extended family members not accepting him as part of our family, and fear that he would one day resent us for adopting him kept us far, far away from the idea of cross-cultural adoption.  Now, we embrace it.  God extended His grace to call Gentiles as His own through Christ.  How can we not do the same?  His perfect love casts out fear.

BUT it's just not that easy.  He is still on track for reunification with his extended family members.  Even though we said yes, it's still a maybe.  Our social worker came to visit a couple of days ago and tears welled up in my eyes for the first time, thinking that Baby X might leave us one day soon.  So for now, we continue to love him deeply, yet hold him loosely.  Here is Baby X with his tia and prima.  They love him, too.

Believing Jesus

I've been reading Kisses from Katie, a book chronicling a few years of 22-year-old Katie Davis.  She loves Jesus and is devoting her life to living in Uganda and serving the people there.  In addition to that, she is in the process of adopting 13 girls!  Talk about faith!

As I am nearing the end of the book, this segment rings true for me as our dear Jackie moved to live with another family last month.

"And God, who sees and knows what is very best for her and for the rest of my family, allowed her to go live with someone else.  For the good of me, for the good of her and the rest of my children, for the good of His Kingdom and the glory that is His.  So I trust Him.  I cling to His promises.  I believe in His goodness." -p. 256

But because I am human, I still grieve over the loss of a family member.  We dropped off our last photo book on the doorstep of Jackie's new home on Christmas night, as we were driving back home from Northern California.  Jadon asked, "When are we going to see Jackie Jeh-Jeh again?"  "I don't know..."  The boys know she has moved out, but don't understand why.  I'm not sure I truly understand why, nor all the crazy emotions that go along with being a foster teenager.  Judah still refers to the empty bedroom as "Jackie Jeh-Jeh's room."  Josiah treasures the memories of biking and playing monopoly with his beloved big sister.

It hit me that J would move out the day we arrived home from our extraordinary visit to North Carolina.  That night we had an adoption appreciation dinner for foster families at Olive Crest.  After dinner, the tears wouldn't stop as I listened to everyone's stories of successful adoptions, etc.  Of course I was happy for them, but my heart was in pain and my emotions were raw and fresh over our family's situation.  I cried for weeks before and after she left.  How can someone I love so deeply just get up and move out?  But it's not about me, or her, or my family.  I have to trust that God allowed this to happen for the good of all of us, and ultimately for His glory.

Jesus taught me how to keep loving even when love didn't come back.  He gave me a daughter.  He gave me a teenage daughter!  Nothing fit "our" profile at Olive Crest except that she was Chinese.  He didn't promise that we would receive love back from others.  His commands are to love God and love others.  So we loved imperfectly and we gave imperfectly.  I still feel like a failure, but I know that we tried our best.

And we will continue our call as foster parents.  Maybe we'll have a baby boy next, a toddler girl, who knows?  We didn't start out wanting to be foster parents, but truly God called us to be, at least for this chapter in life.  And He knows we are weak, unable to do anything without Him.

Thank you Jesus, for dying for me on the cross, and for showing me true love.  Please help us to give our lives to others, too.  We selfishly want to be comfortable and not be inconvenienced.  Help us to move past those desires and continue serving You by loving children who need a home and a family.

Catch 22

Fostering our teen is constant emotional turmoil for the foster child and the foster parents.  We have our ups and downs, but because the natural family has been broken up for her, that hurt is so deep.  Only the Lord can heal those broken hearts.  Therapy and drugs can only do so much to help, but ultimately it is God we all need.

Before lunch, J and I had a calm but slightly emotionally-charged conversation.  It doesn't hurt that she doesn't want to be adopted.  It hurts because she can't hang out with us without feeling pain...so she doesn't.  I feel sad when she excitedly wants to go out with others, knowing that it brings so much sadness to her when she spends time with us as a family.  We were both in tears, as this situation isn't ideal since there has been so much loss to get here, but it is the best situation it can be at this point.